Did I Say That Already?

sometimes when I am well
or on the verge of sinking under again
but not quite there
i miss the madness
i miss the fear
the hate
and the crippling sadness
i never miss the uncontrollable urges
but i miss the visions
the voices though i rarely get them
the feelings and the racing thoughts
the fear.
did I say that already?
sometimes its just nice
familiar, i guess
for what I have known all my life
feels comforting
and though I need comfort from that comfort
It is all so fucking beautiful.
so I feel insane telling my friends
I miss the madness
telling my family I feel down
because I am doing so well
and my thoughts haven’t raced
and my skin hasn’t crawled
and no one is attacking me
in my mind.
so I keep it inside
and it drives me mad.
drives me back to the madness that I missed so much
for while it feels like it is killing me sometimes
it is all so fucking beautiful

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