Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category


February 17, 2012

tonight i am beautiful
reclaiming the word
you told me while i cried
the morning after you climbing through the window
and took my pants off
but way before the rock was thrown.

my door unlocked
you let yourself in
to climb into my bed
to kiss me
and touch me
and make me weep

“don’t cry”
you said
“you  are beautiful”

as if that would make up for unwanted touches
as if that would confuse me enough to think that you were good

and not someone who would take my body a week later
and not someone who would hurt me
and laugh at me
get mad at me for running

i curse you
i blame it all on you
but tonight
I am beautiful


Dirty Notebooks

January 19, 2012

child-like curiosity
curses through my veins
the lines on my face are coming in way to slowly
fill the spaces between pages

a seed in my head
a plant that grows to my shoulders
down my arms
and out through my fingertips
in fits both quiet and loud

fill the space between the pages
i leave them there for some reason
and the reason unknown to me
often breaks my heart.

in fits both quiet and loud
i hope this doesn’t go to far one way
but if made inaudible
just a whisper of a ghost

ill let you go
ill let you swim in the shadows
ill let you dive into the walls
where the shadow dolphins play
you too will play
and swim
glide freely and openly

just a whisper of a ghost,
on the wall
on the pages
on my shoulders
through my veins


January 17, 2012

circles on fingers
imprints that show the monstrosity of my anxiety
or the weight of these thighs
creating texture
on my hands
that match the texture of my heart palpitations.

Ursus arctos californicus

January 12, 2012

Downstairs she walks
toward the back door
to see what is there
too dark, she sits on the table
craning her neck to look past the sliding doors
suddenly she sees
the bears
on the deck
how frightening they are
she makes no audible sounds
by these giant brown creatures
she has only seen in books


one leaves
another spots her
through the window
stands, paw on glass
mouth open
she squeaks
yet brave
unable to take her eyes off the sight
scooting backwards

crawling off the table onto chair
onto floor
pillows laid
a muffled thump
scooting backwards down the hall
away from bears

only one left
makes a sound, a growl
only heard by the girl

she is found
by morning
by parents
pillow under bottom
with bite marks on her wrists

Bodies in the Wall

January 12, 2012

It’s not as if the water was any louder than previously
or my hands any smaller
and though insignificant it seemed true, relevant at the time
as if the bodies hidden and rotting were trying to escape at last
as if they wanted to be seen
and i could see them through the wall.
their outline had been there when I moved in
but no one believed
late at night I could hear their cries
like sirens, or banshees
or some strange hybrid
the water continued to escape from above as i checked the pan
water, i suppose, but it smelled of old flesh with a hint of despair.
upon touching it i felt contaminated
fear enveloped me as i imagined the hole above me was about to
i could see it getting larger
with eyes closed.

Did I Say That Already?

December 14, 2011

sometimes when I am well
or on the verge of sinking under again
but not quite there
i miss the madness
i miss the fear
the hate
and the crippling sadness
i never miss the uncontrollable urges
but i miss the visions
the voices though i rarely get them
the feelings and the racing thoughts
the fear.
did I say that already?
sometimes its just nice
familiar, i guess
for what I have known all my life
feels comforting
and though I need comfort from that comfort
It is all so fucking beautiful.
so I feel insane telling my friends
I miss the madness
telling my family I feel down
because I am doing so well
and my thoughts haven’t raced
and my skin hasn’t crawled
and no one is attacking me
in my mind.
so I keep it inside
and it drives me mad.
drives me back to the madness that I missed so much
for while it feels like it is killing me sometimes
it is all so fucking beautiful

The Third Act

December 11, 2011

The plot doesn’t have to make sense
the characters, the villains blend together
they stretch and weave around the room
they evolve and move with every third breath
becoming something slightly different each time
increasingly frightening
ever so slowly
and i pause
i want to stop breathing.
i want my life to be over at this moment because while it might be fleeting
while these villains may disappear at sunrise
the alternative to living this out
sounds a lot better than this fear

Rachel and Mia

November 29, 2011

bowl of rice
sits on the table next to the bed
waiting to be consumed
waiting to fill the bellies of the children outside
they play
run in and out of  the streets with no fear of being hit
they lie
chalk drawn sidewalk beneath them
touching fingertips
just barely
just enough to send a spark
thtough arms
down spines down
wearing tank tops  with training bras underneath
and shorts
to their knees
the burn of the sun hitting bare arms
and partly bare legs
with just a whisper of new hair
never been shaved.
turing to each other they look
into eyes
touching nose
just in time to be called inside
they separate quickly
giggling as they run inside
to eat cooled rice
and drink iced tea
not so innocent at heart.


November 22, 2011

foreign woman
she reaches out her arm, she reaches out her arms
to touch half limp shoulders
laying flat in a hospital bed
they shrug into her touch
some of the only movements left
in that strange
little body.

like a doll she is stiff and hard
porcelain skin
i am talking about both of them

this is not her best day
this is not what she had hoped for

moving across the world
for a lover
to turn ill

she never thought she would be here
four days new
new country
new home
new everything
standing in a hospital room
growing cold
and sick with worry
by what may just be
a lovers death bed

may just be the love of her life
next to her
leaving her alone in this new world

foreign woman
standing by a bed
like a doll


November 18, 2011

A shadow moves across the ceiling
like a sting ray gliding in the water
in the pools of an aquarium
wonderfully so
and not least bit menacing
the shadows continue their journey back and forth
across the walls and stucco above
I want to reach out
reach my hand out and touch
the beautiful creature up there
I am too small, my stature, my arms wont reach
so I let my eyes slowly close and dream of you