Second Date

November 15, 2011

on our second date
you brought a gun
and for some reason let me see it
out of the corner of my eye

but when walking the bad way
the foolish way
to the video store
a stranger approached me
tried to separate us
saw your gun
brought out his own
and held it to my chest

so
into the video store we went
the three of us
plus
two guns
yours
his
not mine
as a pacifist
like i thought you were
my mind was rushing
till i saw the girls
in bondage it was dark
the lights dim
the movies
the films
distorted
our favorites made ugly
made sick and twisted with thought of death
and trafficking
and at that moment my life was over.
i was alive
yes
maybe i still am
but all the beauty had vanished from my world
all that was left was cold shells of previously
loved things
and a love that could have been
turned into a horror show
turned sour
like the taste in my mouth
dry and bitter
dehydrated and scared
we stayed until midnight
and that is all I remember of our second date.

Guardian of the Valley

November 11, 2011

I was walking through the hallway of my apartment building
when a smell made me stop in my tracks.
I closed my eyes and breathed in deep.
Suddenly I was back in Israel.
On the Kibbutz
Mishmar HaEmeq.
I was walking with Julia past the group of russians smoking outside the Ulpan office. We were getting tea, laughing, joking, and talking about the men she was dating or sleeping with, or wanted to be dating or sleeping with
I can never remember.
I was walking  back from the Moadoon to the trailer I shared with her and Eva-my best friends.
I was laying in Eva’s bed listening to the John Lennon and Counting Crows songs over and over and over again
Intertwining our legs and gazing at the beautiful contrast
of her deep tanned peruvian skin and my pale translucent skin.
I was walking around Tel-Aviv, talking with champion skaters and a cross continental bike rider

Going to Haifa with Julia and getting tattoos.
Floating in the Dead Sea.
Hiking to the top of Masada
Walking through Tzfat, with all the art and beauty and mysticism.
I was hitchhiking with Eva late at night just for the hell of it, and then for survival.
I was experiencing all the amazing things I did in Israel. All the beauty, history and adventure
Then the smell turned on me
I was in bed crying
I was flirting with a guy I didn’t even like.
He was coming through the window
I was in class, telling him to stop kissing and touching me
I was silently wishing someone-anyone would see how he was treating me and do something.
I was running out of my room to my friend Jeremy, lying about what happened
I was getting drunk with Julia after finding out we weren’t pregnant
I was in bed crying with glass all around me, and the rock that he threw through my window
And then
I was in Jerusalem, the old city. Before the Kotel, with a note in my hand. My eyes searching the wall for an empty spot. I placed the note inside and kissed the wall
“Give me another chance”

Crayon Box

May 4, 2011

She opened the box, searching for the perfect shade

the shade that shows who she is inside and out

the love

the passion, the insanity and fear

the bravery

the terror

the insignificance

and again, the love.

Which color matches her soul

meek yet bold, brash and shy, fluffy, anxious

varied in shade

and the box is big

it is huge

the possibilities

the choices seem endless

infinite

flowery, lilac

cold and graceful , ice blue

the many shades of gray

the green or the purple sorcery that is in this box

which color is me

she asks

and I don’t know how to reply

the words are so easy, but I do not know

her color changes with her mood

like a chameleon

like a beauty reptile of colors

taking the whole box she choses them all

for she is a rainbow and then some

she is a box of crayons

Kennedy

April 12, 2011

There is always one kid that hangs out alone during recess

Thinking,

day dreaming,

singing,

making up strange games that no one else understands

The situation varies

from playground to playground

Maybe the kids are mean,

maybe the kid has no friends,

or likes being alone

Maybe this kid is lonely, maybe not

But there is always that kid.

Caden

April 6, 2011

She hears verses in her head
every night
every single goddamned night
stories, and tales of every name
of every person
she doesn’t know
they don’t  exist.
but she hears their verses
as she falls asleep
and as she wakes
her eyes fight to open
for they are pulling her in
back in
trying to keep her there forever.

Magen

January 20, 2011

Walking  the long way from the bus
on the way to the bar
to meet someone for the first time
the night distracts me
I enjoy it so much I keep walking and get lost
Partially on purpose
needing some more time alone before being social
before putting on my brave and happy mask
it is cold and dark
with a light mist coming from the sky
and I am alone
Besides the music in my ears the night is quiet
I slowly find my way back
to where I am supposed to be
taking extra time to get there
stopping to notice every leaf, every twisted branch i see
A block away from the bar
my pace slows as I look up
at the sky
There is not a single visible star out
If there was
if the sky was covered in twinkling lights
and magical constellations
I would have forgotten my purpose that night
I would have kept walking alone in the dark
my mind wandering and
soaking in all the beauty and sadness and life as I did so
But the sky was dark
so I opened the door
hoping to find stars inside.

2011

January 5, 2011

My goals are as follows:

I will write one poem a day(or more, of course).

I will take care of my health.

I will finish Ugly Head, the movie I am working on with the talented David Evan.

I will start my own Puppet business.

 

Simple and good. Yes sir.

The Aftermath part 1

December 20, 2010

fear is her best friend
and worst enemy
it takes over her life
her body
it takes over
Hate is his best friend
his weapon to use against the beautiful
and naive
his mother will toss and turn in her grave
when she is dead
for what he has done
what that son has done is unspeakable
unspeakable horrors that we too often hear
it took her half a year to utter those words
and just as much time to have them enter her mind
how long did it take him to forget?
does he
can he speak her name?
can he even fathom the pain he brought her
and the fear

Time Travel

December 13, 2010

If I could go back in time I’d chose ancient Cairo.
I’d chose Egypt, with you
and you would sing soft songs to me nightly
hold me in your arms as i slowly fell asleep
back when I believed what you told me
i trusted you wouldn’t lie
but even then you would repeat it over and over as my eyelids grew heavy and weak
i was your special girl
you were sent to help us all
at least that is what we were told
but your true mission was me
the bed against the wall
the last before you left
was home to my body
that is where you slowed your pace.
in no rush to leave
a hand on my face
brushing the hair from my eyes
words on your lips just for me
don’t be scared
don’t be afraid
there is nothing to fear
but here i am in my own time
the present
the future is scary
the past is gone and skewed
our bones are ash and dust
and I am scared.

Overwhelmed

March 7, 2010

I rarely post anything here, mostly because most of what I write is too personal and I feel it is too soon to put it out into the world.

Last summer I wrote and posted a sum up of what I have been going through, my struggle. It was really hard to do, but I was proud of myself. Talking about it is the first step, right? Well a few months ago someone I had started seeing came across that without my knowledge and I got sick. Its not something I like telling people really. In fact I dread it, but I realized I am not ready for some things to be out in the world while I am still dealing with them.

That said, I feel the need to write something. I try to do so without being annoyingly vague, but at the same time without revealing too much of myself. So I will just write what I feel

I am finding it hard to breath, like someone is strangling me, or I am drowning.

In general, I am just completely overwhelmed, its hard not to just give up again. It’s hard to keep going, though.

What gets to me is that there is no clear or easy  solution. There is problem on top of problem on top of problem and they are swirled together making it hard to pick them apart, fix them separately. I am unsure of what to do so I am doing it all.

That is a heavy load to carry, I am not sure if I can handle it.